I searched the word changes on Bing and Google in an attempt to ignore my inability to figure out the next part of a scene that I’m writing and the top 4 hits (using 4 because Google only had that many) were amusing to me.
Bing: Definition, Parental Control, Hair Salon, and Black Sabbath
Google: Definition, Global Activism, One Direction, and Oil Changes
The 5th hit on Bing was more what I was thinking about when I chose that word- David Bowie. I know that I’ve spent many hours of contemplation on this subject, but it’s been on my mind a lot lately and who better to illustrate this than Ziggy Stardust himself/herself/itself?
There are frequent posts on Facebook with sayings like, “If you’re not willing to change, don’t expect your life to either” or “Change is inevitable, progress is optional”. Ok, so that second one is just one that I know, but the rest are too long to put into a post. It’s a lost of positive affirmations about moving forward and how to inspire yourself and others. This may say more about the people that I know than the world, though I can’t say that’s a bad thing. I feel good thinking that I associate (even if it’s only electronically) with people who are trying to better themselves some way.
Initially I did some really deep thinking on this when I lost my job in DC and had to figure out what my next step would be. That was in no way fun, it was ego crushing, and I don’t care what anyone says- it was not liberating. I spent months in a funk trying to convince myself that I wasn’t a failure with the support of some incredible women. Sorry men, I just couldn’t find an incredibly supportive guy to lean on- nothing personal ;-) Long story short- it sucked.
Out of this personal turmoil came “the idea”. I needed to escape the reality of suckiness and determined that the one thing I can do that I have never felt like a complete failure at is write. The novel has been a work in progress since then and has morphed and twisted into something that, even as a first draft, Mrs. Batty and I should be extremely proud of. This past December, around my birthday also known as when I start to feel like I’ve accomplished nothing in my life every year, I became determine to finish book 1 of this story (yes, it’s morphed to a multi-book story) by December of this year. I’ll be turning 35 and just feel as though I need to push myself to shit or get off the pot with something. If it isn’t going to be finishing this book, then it needs to be focusing on my other career.
Back to the changes. All of these positive affirmations and saying are actually quite nice to see, but they are really reminding me of all of the personal changes that I know that I need to make and have been putting off. I work too much still and ignore my personal life. I have terrible taste in men and find the single most unavailable ones to convince myself that I should take a shot at (utterly masochistic of me) in some sort of sick self-fulfilling prophecy. My list of real life friends is slowly shrinking and I’ve not tended to finding ways to meet new people, so isolation is an issue and I still can’t figure out if it’s intentional or inadvertent.
But- I can’t help thinking that this is just temporary. I knew what I was taking on when I set my heart to writing a novel, while working a minimum of 50 hours a week. Both jobs are creatively draining and I also find myself doing the internal pep talk of “just do it! stop procrastinating and just do it!” much more than I used to.
I recently sent a copy of the unfinished manuscript to someone that I’ve formed a wonderful work relationship with and she’s absolutely salivating for the finished work. This is encouraging and now I need to figure out what changes I have to make in order to keep the forward momentum going. My resolve is still there. Come hell or high water- this book will be ready to send out by the end of the year, it’s just that the path to this is not so clear in my mind.
I leave you with one of my favorite quotes about change: