Over the weekend, which was mother’s day in the US, I went out for pedicures with a friend and her mother and her sister-in-law and as we were digesting after lunch, the topic of who will plan my wedding came up. Let me IMMEDIATELY say that I have no plans for marriage and haven’t had a boyfriend for over a year, so this was a completely fictitious conversation in that respect.
Anyway, my friend said that she would be devastated if I didn’t invite her, and well- I’ll dramatise the moment for you. We open up on Glory Day’s Restaurant and two women are sitting in a booth facing each other- we’ll name her Betty. One woman has her baby in the carrier and her 10 year old on the bench next to her and the other is sitting on the opposite side, alone- we’ll name her Veronica.
“If you get married, I better be there!” says Betty, “I’m even OK if I have to be the Co-Maid of honor.”
Veronica laughs, “That would be fantastic- I would have two red heads as my maids of honor! But I don’t think that I’ll have a ceremony if I ever do get married.”
“What! What do you mean- you can’t do that, I don’t have any sisters so yours is the only Wedding I can be involved in!” Betty was astonished, how could her friend feel this way?
“I can’t have a wedding- for starters, no church would have me!” This was a very matter of fact statement by now that Veronica felt fine making.
“You could get married at my church- we’re the ‘fun’ kind of catholics.” Both women chuckled a little.
“I’m soooooo not Catholic and you know it- hell, I’m not even considered Christian! Anyway- there is no way to have a wedding for me that won’t insult someone in a big way. Think about it- how can I explain to my father that I want my brother to walk me down the aisle? And for that matter- who do I invite? My fathers family would be a given and I know that half of them wouldn’t show up because they still haven’t forgiven my Mother for divorcing him. Then there is the issue of my ex-step father. I haven’t spoken to him in a year or so, but what if I’ve made peace with him by this point and then we have my father and ex-step father both wondering why my brother is walking me down the aisle, but that’s not including the fact that my brother still hates my ex-step father with a passion!” Veronica took a breath to try and review what she’d just said to check for too much dramatic addition. Sadly- she didn’t find any, so she continued.
“That is not even addressing the fact that my mothers new husband, who is barely welcome at family events after his last appearance and my cousins wedding would most likely be forced to attend by my mother- though, I’m not even sure that I want her at my wedding at this point. She didn’t even invite my brother and I to her last wedding.” Veronica didn’t want to continue along this train of thought- they’d been having a great day and she didn’t feel like letting that cloud descend for the remainder of it.
“I’ve already decided that I’ll elope and send out invitations to a big reception afterwards. That is, assuming that he’s willing to do that- knowing me, I’ll probably fall in love with a very family oriented guy who would insist on braving this mine field………….”
The scene now fades out. From there we discussed other alternatives for a bit and then changed the subject. I was a little amazed at myself during this conversation because I’d always thought that me not wanting to have a wedding was a fear of commitment or of the inevitable drama, because I guarantee that someone on my side will be in tears and they won’t be from joy (it always happens).
I think that I’m afraid of some of the drama NOT happening and the feeling of rejection that would be associated with that.
Follow my logic- If my father doesn’t get hurt by me wanting my brother to walk me, then did he actually care? I mean- he’s got another shot at this when my half-sister gets married, so it’s probably not the end of his world (knife number one).
If I invite the ex-step father and he decides not to show, that wouldn’t be cool. The man was married to my mother for 22 years, though that hasn’t cured him of his douch-bag status. Not to mention, if he does show up, my brother will probably leave- this is the safe option because if he stays, he’ll probably beat the hell out of the guy.
If my mother brings her new husband and he decides that the red carpet hasn’t been rolled out for him and spends the entire time sulking (just like last Christmas), then my mother will be pissed off the entire time and I will be a basket case because I’ll have lectures coming from the left right and center.
The most sane part of the whole affair would be my friends to whom the co-Maid of honor duties would be given to, but I’m also unable to speculate about any drama that the grooms family might bring into the mix. As I started going do this path afterwards, I came to the realization that I might have to cut my family invites to any wedding for myself down to the ones who would honestly never speak to me again if I didn’t ask them to come. I was one of the most depressing things I’d though about in a while because of the shear Day-time soap opera nature of it……
If anyone has any suggestions- though I am leaning toward electronic braclets that shock family members when they start to act up- I’m all ears. BUT, again, this would be a more useful conversation if I were even dating anyone.