Disappointments of the past week

I just can’t seem to get these things off of my mind so I’m going to list them in the hopes that this will purge these thoughts from my head.

Television- Jon and Kate….  I’m going to go back to my original Martyr statement with these two.  Why the hell would you not AT LEAST go through the counseling process on screen?  I mean- you’ve spent the last 5 years on camera to NOW not want to put some effort into saving your marriage?  Granted, if I were Jon, I probably would have grown a pair before now, but for crying out loud!  In normal divorces there is plenty of he said, she said going around, but they uniquely have it all on tape, soooooooooooo….  I give up- but I feel for those kids who are now going to have to go through something really tough on national television.

Work- I’m mad at myself for not performing to my own standards, I’m upset with my boss for making assumptions and generally being a jerk, I’m irritated with my peers because they are stuck in a world that revolves ONLY around themselves, I’m still a bit frustrated with my staff- though not too much.

The Media- I totally thought of Michael Jackson as an innovator and an Icon, but the amount of coverage is a little excessive.  ALSO- is there truly anyone who is shocked that they suspect a drug overdose- really?

OK- I can’t think of any more for today.


Contemplations for Tuesday

Metro Accident– really a horrible thing and on one of the busiest lines in DC. Would I deem this a catastrophe though- probably not. I would classify a catastrophe as the Gulf Coast during Katrina.
Death– Just found out yesterday that a friend of mine will have to pull the plug on her dearest Uncle on Thursday after he was hit by a truck doing 20 mph and suffered a severe head injury. I’m not sure why, but I’m still shocked by the shear frailty of human life.
Job Stress– So, the day is less stressful and the next time I’m asked to spearhead the re-location of 200 people, I will know exactly what to do without getting overwhelmed.
Family Stress– nothing I can do about that one.
Money– still an issue and I’ve definitely got a job that doesn’t pay overtime and doesn’t leave time for any extra endeavours. I need to get a boyfriend to move in with- it’s very economical (don’t think at me like that- it’s not totally wrong).

Continued Uncertainty

Good Evening Cats and Kittens-  It is once again Sunday and tomorrow looms like a gray cloud of torture in front of me as the start of a new work week.  If you can’t tell, I’m writing from a pretty dark place tonight and it is making reflection on life hard to avoid.  It has been a pretty rough couple of weeks at work and I have no problem admitting that I called my mother and was in tears on Thursday morning.  So, there was a pretty big issue at work and my boss and I were having a difference of expectations for what I was supposed to do to correct the matter.

Let me first say that I have been tripping ALL over myself and making rookie mistakes the entire time and have been so uber frustrated with myself that I didn’t know what to do.  To add to that frustration a slightly unrealistic expectation of my abilities and job responsibilities from my boss, well lets just say, nuclear meltdown of the sobbing variety.  I’ve spent the past 5 days trying to figure out where I missed the boat and what I didn’t understand because this is one of those situations where you can break it down line by line and ask- is this an unreasonable expectation? Of course the only answer is no, but when you look at the exact same things from a different perspective, then the answer is also yes.

Let me save you the effort of trying to figure out this dilemma on my behalf- it doesn’t necessarily matter.  In corporate America, even if you are right, you could be wrong, and just because you are SURE that you are right, you could also be just as wrong.  So, the issue is that there is a discrepancy between what I thought my position was supposed to be responsible for and what he believed I was supposed to do- problem being- I have no written job description!  Now, from what I can see, he wanted me to take charge of this situation and lead the charge with analysis and recommendations, which, I wouldn’t have been opposed to, but I did not know that I was supposed to have.  I REALLY HATE saying that- I didn’t know that I was supposed to…..  In my world, that is a bull-shit excuse, and this time, it is the truth.  I approached the tasks being asked of me from the perspective of a manager waiting for instructions and not a Director giving instructions.  It doesn’t help that I’m not a Director, but still- I am disappointed in myself with this hindsight view that I now have.

I spent two weeks with my boss, not a bad boss- pretty hands off, getting ridiculously frustrated with me for not leading the charge and getting frustrated myself for being clueless about what I was doing.  I have to say that I have NEVER done anything like that task that was being asked of me before, but it’s not like it was rocket science.  I let myself get flustered and I made rookie mistakes.  I just can’t shake the statement, “but I AM a rookie.”  I don’t like placing blame. 

Let me repeat this a few times so that you can understand- I DO NOT LIKE TO PLACE BLAME.  In this situation, am I willing to absorb all of the responsibility- absolutely not.  Will a fess up to the parts where I will absolutely learn from my mistakes- 100%.  Will that mend the relationship with my boss- probably not.

So, where do I go from here?  I have a position that is an entry level management position with Department Head responsibilities and an apparent expectation of Directorial responsibility with absolutely nothing in writing and a boss who is new to my company with much higher expectations than I realized.  I want to follow my HR’s advice and talk to him, to try and explain myself and the frustration that I’ve been feeling and I keep coming back to the realization that he won’t care.  He is stuck on the fact that I did not live up to my job (arguable statement-legally, not just in my opinion).

I ask myself, what happened to the days when there wasn’t so much gray area in everything that we do.  Do you remember the times when you were a kid and the world was primarily clear.  Good people were good, bad people were bad, the sun sets in the west and rises in the east, Cartoons were funny, movies all had happy endings…..  OK- so that’s a little idealized.

I just want to go back to a time before the world hurt so much.

Contmeplations after a difficult week

To those who know me best, they will expect this.  To those of you who know nothing about me, take this as you see it.  I’ve just finished watching Taken, with Liam Neeson and I can tell you immediately that I love it, but that I won’t watch it again any time soon.  Why- you ask?  Well, I’m sorry, but there is no simple answer to this.

There are certain movies that I cannot watch without bawling like a little baby.  When a Man Loves a Woman- with Meg Ryan and Andy Garcia- is one that if I watch it, I will be upset and nearly crying for at least 24 hours.  Come to think of it- any movie where a father goes through hell and back for their children, will make me weep like a 2 year old.  Why?  Well, that should not be a mystery.  I am the product of divorce 😀  Not the war of the roses that you may picture, but one of the thousands of “amicable” splits that occur annually.  My mother re-married almost immediately and by law, I had another father as of that moment.

So, fast forward 20 not so idyllic years of the typical growing pains of any girl heightened by the extended insecurity of a abandonment complex compounded by frequent moves and here we are.  I’ve said good-bye to husband number 2 (for my mother, not me- I haven’t held a healthy relationship longer than 2 months) and am not on speaking terms with husband number 3.  Of course I feel guilty about this.  By the rational of my family, the only reason that this conflict could exist is because I’m being irrational.  Pardon me if I think that the man is a total twat.  This is not EVEN figuring in the fact that he is mooching off of my mother under the guise of a general contractor.  Is it a good omen for a marriage when you are sent away to another country most of the time??

And I find myself an adult, living my own life.  All alone, my mother has moved to England and married a man I despise and my brother is at the opposite end of the country trying to forget that he has a family, my father is experiencing all of those things that I thought would have happened with me or my brother, but with his other children, and people wonder why I’m not the most well adjusted person in the world.  It doesn’t help that at this point I am highly sensitive to criticism- and that is an entire nother story.

I have an ex-boyfriend who once got VERY angry with me for contemplating that his father might find the dilema he found himself in (a romantic one, of course) amusing.  It wasn’t until he understood that though his father was dead- he KNOWS how much that man loved him and his brother.  There was no guessing- it was a certainty in his mind that provided comfort.  He also chastised me for wishing that my father had actually died because I wouldn’t actually want that, and he was right- I don’t want that, but I would really love to experience the certainty that he felt with nobody to contradict him with word or action.

Anyway- the moral of this is that I CAN’T keep doing this!  I need to stop feeling alone, feeling as though there is nothing worthwhile I can do in this world, but I find that no matter which why I turn I cannot excape this reality.  My Brother and I are the loves of my mothers life that held her back, and limited her relationships, and that were the test run for my father and his real family.  I don’t begrudge him his family, on the contrary, I hope that they do well and do better than my brother an I because at least then, there would be some sort of happy ending to this story.  If not for my fathers children, I would see my brother and I hiding in what we think is safety, but wil only translate into long and lonely existences. 

Yes- I’m having a bit of a pity party at my own expense, bit to the 3 people who read this- I’m fine- just venting at the moment.

Happy vs. Sad

So it is a dreary overcast day and I am reading all of the articles about the shooting at the Holocaust Museum.  I am embarrassed to admit that I didn’t realize it had happened until I was on my way home yesterday, but it didn’t effect my commute (I use a different bridge with the Metro) so I didn’t think to much about it.  I have been very wrapped up in some Drama at work and I know that isn’t a good reason, but it’s the reason.

So, I open my e-mail this morning and had received a little note from my Mom.  She was just waking up in England and watching the News talking about the shooting and, again, she knows that I’ve been a bit stressed.  What I don’t understand, and have never understood, about her is that the below poem is her way of being affectionate.  This is not a rant for bitching and moaning because- as you can clearly read- it is all my own choice if I’m unhappy.  SO I’m going to go and skip to the cafeteria to fill myself a cup of coffee and make myself feel better about the meaningless existence that I’m living- Toodles!

                (to the author- I’m sorry, but I couldn’t find your name)
                                                             THE CHOICE IS ALWAYS YOURS
                                                             Being happy, being sad,
                                                              forgiving or staying mad…..
                                                              The Choice is Always Yours!
                                                              Wearing a smile or a frown,
                                                              Looking bright or feeling down….
                                                              The Choice is Always Yours!
                                                              Although at times it seems not true,
                                                              it’s always others that make you blue
                                                              Remember this….
                                                              whatever it is that troubles you,
                                                              how your react will see you through……
                                                              THE CHOICE IS ALWAYS YOURS!!

What am I thinking?

I’m really trying not to think quite frankly.  In my almost 29 years (I apologize in advance to those who think I’m not old enough), I have come to the conclusion that thinking only gets me in to trouble.  I have also realized that the reason I contemplate being a house wife is because in my mind it is somehow an easier option.  This of course is not true since a big reason that I work a lot is to not think about home- that train doesn’t go anywhere happy.

The moment that I wish I could stay in is the mornings before my cats get hungry, maybe 4am ish, when I wake up just a little and I’ve got one cat in the crook of my knee and the other snuggled into my side.  I’m sleepy and content and that, at this moment, is the most perfect time for me.  Why?  Because I’m not thinking about anything other than the cats and being comfortable and content.