Contmeplations after a difficult week

To those who know me best, they will expect this.  To those of you who know nothing about me, take this as you see it.  I’ve just finished watching Taken, with Liam Neeson and I can tell you immediately that I love it, but that I won’t watch it again any time soon.  Why- you ask?  Well, I’m sorry, but there is no simple answer to this.

There are certain movies that I cannot watch without bawling like a little baby.  When a Man Loves a Woman- with Meg Ryan and Andy Garcia- is one that if I watch it, I will be upset and nearly crying for at least 24 hours.  Come to think of it- any movie where a father goes through hell and back for their children, will make me weep like a 2 year old.  Why?  Well, that should not be a mystery.  I am the product of divorce 😀  Not the war of the roses that you may picture, but one of the thousands of “amicable” splits that occur annually.  My mother re-married almost immediately and by law, I had another father as of that moment.

So, fast forward 20 not so idyllic years of the typical growing pains of any girl heightened by the extended insecurity of a abandonment complex compounded by frequent moves and here we are.  I’ve said good-bye to husband number 2 (for my mother, not me- I haven’t held a healthy relationship longer than 2 months) and am not on speaking terms with husband number 3.  Of course I feel guilty about this.  By the rational of my family, the only reason that this conflict could exist is because I’m being irrational.  Pardon me if I think that the man is a total twat.  This is not EVEN figuring in the fact that he is mooching off of my mother under the guise of a general contractor.  Is it a good omen for a marriage when you are sent away to another country most of the time??

And I find myself an adult, living my own life.  All alone, my mother has moved to England and married a man I despise and my brother is at the opposite end of the country trying to forget that he has a family, my father is experiencing all of those things that I thought would have happened with me or my brother, but with his other children, and people wonder why I’m not the most well adjusted person in the world.  It doesn’t help that at this point I am highly sensitive to criticism- and that is an entire nother story.

I have an ex-boyfriend who once got VERY angry with me for contemplating that his father might find the dilema he found himself in (a romantic one, of course) amusing.  It wasn’t until he understood that though his father was dead- he KNOWS how much that man loved him and his brother.  There was no guessing- it was a certainty in his mind that provided comfort.  He also chastised me for wishing that my father had actually died because I wouldn’t actually want that, and he was right- I don’t want that, but I would really love to experience the certainty that he felt with nobody to contradict him with word or action.

Anyway- the moral of this is that I CAN’T keep doing this!  I need to stop feeling alone, feeling as though there is nothing worthwhile I can do in this world, but I find that no matter which why I turn I cannot excape this reality.  My Brother and I are the loves of my mothers life that held her back, and limited her relationships, and that were the test run for my father and his real family.  I don’t begrudge him his family, on the contrary, I hope that they do well and do better than my brother an I because at least then, there would be some sort of happy ending to this story.  If not for my fathers children, I would see my brother and I hiding in what we think is safety, but wil only translate into long and lonely existences. 

Yes- I’m having a bit of a pity party at my own expense, bit to the 3 people who read this- I’m fine- just venting at the moment.


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