Continued Uncertainty

Good Evening Cats and Kittens-  It is once again Sunday and tomorrow looms like a gray cloud of torture in front of me as the start of a new work week.  If you can’t tell, I’m writing from a pretty dark place tonight and it is making reflection on life hard to avoid.  It has been a pretty rough couple of weeks at work and I have no problem admitting that I called my mother and was in tears on Thursday morning.  So, there was a pretty big issue at work and my boss and I were having a difference of expectations for what I was supposed to do to correct the matter.

Let me first say that I have been tripping ALL over myself and making rookie mistakes the entire time and have been so uber frustrated with myself that I didn’t know what to do.  To add to that frustration a slightly unrealistic expectation of my abilities and job responsibilities from my boss, well lets just say, nuclear meltdown of the sobbing variety.  I’ve spent the past 5 days trying to figure out where I missed the boat and what I didn’t understand because this is one of those situations where you can break it down line by line and ask- is this an unreasonable expectation? Of course the only answer is no, but when you look at the exact same things from a different perspective, then the answer is also yes.

Let me save you the effort of trying to figure out this dilemma on my behalf- it doesn’t necessarily matter.  In corporate America, even if you are right, you could be wrong, and just because you are SURE that you are right, you could also be just as wrong.  So, the issue is that there is a discrepancy between what I thought my position was supposed to be responsible for and what he believed I was supposed to do- problem being- I have no written job description!  Now, from what I can see, he wanted me to take charge of this situation and lead the charge with analysis and recommendations, which, I wouldn’t have been opposed to, but I did not know that I was supposed to have.  I REALLY HATE saying that- I didn’t know that I was supposed to…..  In my world, that is a bull-shit excuse, and this time, it is the truth.  I approached the tasks being asked of me from the perspective of a manager waiting for instructions and not a Director giving instructions.  It doesn’t help that I’m not a Director, but still- I am disappointed in myself with this hindsight view that I now have.

I spent two weeks with my boss, not a bad boss- pretty hands off, getting ridiculously frustrated with me for not leading the charge and getting frustrated myself for being clueless about what I was doing.  I have to say that I have NEVER done anything like that task that was being asked of me before, but it’s not like it was rocket science.  I let myself get flustered and I made rookie mistakes.  I just can’t shake the statement, “but I AM a rookie.”  I don’t like placing blame. 

Let me repeat this a few times so that you can understand- I DO NOT LIKE TO PLACE BLAME.  In this situation, am I willing to absorb all of the responsibility- absolutely not.  Will a fess up to the parts where I will absolutely learn from my mistakes- 100%.  Will that mend the relationship with my boss- probably not.

So, where do I go from here?  I have a position that is an entry level management position with Department Head responsibilities and an apparent expectation of Directorial responsibility with absolutely nothing in writing and a boss who is new to my company with much higher expectations than I realized.  I want to follow my HR’s advice and talk to him, to try and explain myself and the frustration that I’ve been feeling and I keep coming back to the realization that he won’t care.  He is stuck on the fact that I did not live up to my job (arguable statement-legally, not just in my opinion).

I ask myself, what happened to the days when there wasn’t so much gray area in everything that we do.  Do you remember the times when you were a kid and the world was primarily clear.  Good people were good, bad people were bad, the sun sets in the west and rises in the east, Cartoons were funny, movies all had happy endings…..  OK- so that’s a little idealized.

I just want to go back to a time before the world hurt so much.

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