The 4th of July has come and gone and as per normal television stations have over played the movie Independence Day yet again. At least this year was speckled with a little bit of Predator vs. Aliens and some Pirates of the Caribbean, though I was hoping for a SyFy marathon of Eureka 😦 Anyway, time for the next exercise as my writers block is still going strong.
Exercise #17- Imagine that the thing you fear most actually happens, and write it.
This one won’t be too fictitious because most of the things that I fear most have already happened. When I was young, we moved around a lot and I was a very mean little girl. Most of the meanness was out of insecurity and in defense when being picked on, which happened quite a bit. As I got older that translated into the lovely cast iron shell that I have around myself to this day. Mrs. Batty will be the first to tell you that I’m not a likeable person at first and I’ve been really trying to fix that. I have been told by many that I have an abrasive personality and this has been explained to my by those who love me that I simply don’t care what others think of me. Not sure what to feel about that, but ok. So I am very afraid that I will slip up and unintentionally hurt somebody with my careless words and that unfortunately happens regularly. The only thing that I can do when I realize what I’ve done is to apologize and that isn’t always received well. There is also the flip side of that where I won’t apologize because I really don’t feel bad about something, but if I’m at that point you have probably royally pissed me off.
I’m afraid of losing my family. My non-nuclear family has imploded a couple of times in the past 30 years already and we are now located on two different coasts and two different continents. I speak to my brother at most once a week and on average a couple of times a month. My mother and I talk more on the phone, but it is hard to go and see her because she’s in the UK. My extended family is a relationship being serviced by telephone as well because they are in at least 4 different states and of that there are only a few of them that really care if they hear from me. My Grandmother, a few of my cousins, and my father and his family are about it. My friends- the ones whose children know me as Auntie Monie- live in at least 3 other states and I’m watching my “nieces” and “nephews” grow up on facebook. Only one of these friends is local and she and her family pretty much constitute my social life with a couple of other friends here and there, but work schedules tend to get in the way of getting together too frequently. “You are in a self-imposed exile!!” someone screams from the back row of the theater. Well, yes, I guess that I am. It was my choice to move to DC and I find myself stuck here with no direction. I will probably have no choice but to move next summer, though I have nowhere in mind to go. My mother wants me to live nearer to my Brother, my brother wouldn’t want to live with me, but might be ok if I live in the same town as he does. All in all- we are not that close and I wish that were different.
I am afraid that I will be an aimless failure, and oops, that’s come true as well. I do at least still have a little motivation left in me and will give my writing one last college try. I have been attempting to write a book with Mrs. Batty and we are both stalled, though we’ve got about 40 good pages of material between the two of us.
I’m afraid that I’ll be alone for the rest of my life. This one, well, it’s a bit trickier. I’m a total commitment phobe and I’m overweight and I’m perceived as a bitch. This combination does not equal very good romantic prospects. My last relationship was doomed before it began since he was still living with his “ex-girlfriend”. Let me start by saying, no I’m not that stupid, but I was ok with the situation until I wasn’t. I also think that I got wrapped up in a new job and just didn’t want to continue with something that I knew had no future. I knew that the relationship would go nowhere because I didn’t want it to. And I’ll shame the devil for a minute and admit to the fact that my commitment issues are largely due to my terrible fear that I would fall in love with the man and that he would leave me- that I couldn’t handle.
Other than those big fears, I’m not sure that I can think of anymore. In order to be afraid of multitudes of things I firmly believe that you must have something to loose. I think that I’ve lost most everything that matters up to this point so there really isn’t much else to be afraid of. All of the little things (I say this not to demene their importance or severity for others) such as being mugged, going to jail, getting into a car accident, declaring bankruptcy, being homeless, or being jobless- been there doing that- well, these are things that happen to me, not the ones I love so I’m resigned to my own fate.
I am a firm believer in Karma and if it is in my future to go through these obstacles, then so be it. I won’t say that it wouldn’t be horrible or that these things wouldn’t be traumatic, but that if I’m paying attention and that if I try to be that change that I want (not sure who I just paraphrased that from), then I will find a way. I’d also like to continue thinking that I’m not so terrible a person that the only thing in store for me is the bad spin of the Karmic wheel. Funny thing about wheels, they always turn in circles and the good must come with the bad.