I had a dream last night …

Sooo, I had a weird dream last night.  It was probably fueled by lack of sleep over the past week and a combination of Zicam for my stuffy nose and nighttime sleep aid to knock me out.

Here’s what I remember- I was in an my apartment, but not my current one- not even one that I’ve lived in, and I was watching TV with Nicholas Cage.  Cage was drunk and trying to hit on me and not succeeding while a group of guys sat on the opposite couch glaring at me.  One of the guys was an ex of mine from middle school, but the group he was in looked like the guys from entourage.  I then had a friend of mine come into the room and pull me aside to yell at me for ignoring Mrs. Batty’s phone calls and that she really needed our help immediately.  She was upset that I didn’t agree to get in the car and drive to Mrs. Batty’s house and find out what was wrong.  I didn’t go because I had company over and I was upset that I never got to do the things that I enjoyed, but then everyone left the apartment and as I was about to leave, Brad Pitt shows up.  He was also upset and didn’t want to talk about it- so I didn’t ask, but he insisted upon cleaning the entirety of my apartment.  So he and I had a long, in-depth conversation while he was cleaning like my maid and then I woke up.

That’s it.  I did have A&E on the TV in the living room, but I have no idea where this one came from.  I’m accepting interpretations here.

30 Seconds to Mars

I’m not sure why this band has me reminiscing, outside of the fact that the lead singer is Jared Leto and as a young teenager I drooled over him on My So Called Life.  In this context, that is an anecdote.  Here is a man who was pretty successful as an actor.  Hell- I even own Lord of War and honestly enjoyed his performance as the drug addicted kinda-stupid younger brother, but the shear audacity to just say, “I don’t think that I want to do that anymore- I’m going to play music now.”  That is what intrigues me.  That’s pretty ballsy.

And at that point in this train of thought (after the conductor has checked my ticket 😉 ) I begin to wonder about what exactly has happened to my generation.  Now, this all started by listening to their song, Kings and Queens, and the line that sticks in your head because it’s an irritatingly catchy hook is- We were the Kings and Queens of promise, We were the victims of ourselves, Maybe the children of a lesser God, Between Heaven and Hell.

Mr. Leto isn’t actually in the same generation as me (almost exactly 9 years older), though he is also a Sagittarius for all of you screaming little girls with crushes.  So that begs the question, why does this resonate with me?  Well, look at us.  What the hell have we actually done now that we’re the adults?  It all seemed so promising when I was 13.  There was actually an unknown that held hope and promise and now there seems to be so little of that same hope left.  Global warming, wars, poverty, general human cruelty, religious persecution, and economic anemia seem to be all that we have to show for the past decade and it’s as though those of us who thought we’d be doing something much more important with our lives are in this holding pattern, waiting for something- anything to happen.  What are you waiting for?  I haven’t got the faintest idea.

I’m still not going very far in writing my novel, though I am very set upon completing the story.  I’m doing whatever work I can to make sure that the bills get paid and this is only happening because my mother is supporting me.  My relaxation comes from making cakes with a friend of mine and seeing where that will take us.  My cats are some of the best conversationalist that I know and I’m really and truly not interested in seeking out any romantic attachments.  BUT this guy can just put a career on hold and say- I think that I’ll follow my passion now.

Yes, I’m jealous.  I’ve met so many people in my short life who held more promise than I could ever have, but in one way or another their dreams seem to fizzle away or change.  To the ones whose dreams change- I congratulate you.  You are still doing what makes you happy and are probably some of the most fulfilled people I know.  To the ones whose dreams have fizzled, please tell me how to get that fire started again.

When I was younger, I wanted to be Jem from Jem and the Holograms.  When I was a little older, I determined that I was a writer and this is a conviction that has never wavered.  As I’ve grown up, I simply realized that sometimes we are truly just mediocre at what we love to do.  This is another reason why Jared Leto is irritating me right now.  Not only a good actor, but his band is pretty good as well.  Before anyone starts to send me notes about how I need to buckle down and spark my passion and find my voice, blah, blah, blah, please put the pen down and just don’t.  I don’t actually believe that I’m a mediocre writer (I’m also not really interested in receiving notes about how much I suck either).  There is a story trying to get out and I can’t seem to find it.

Inspiration and perspiration, right?  When I read biographies or watch that fantastic invention called the history channel while they profile some of the most incredible people in history it always seems to simple.  Have an idea, make it happen, change the world.  When will they invent to reality channel?  I feel like all of that hope we had as children and all of the teachers who told us that we could change the world didn’t think that encouragement through very well.  It’s like a lie that we are still clinging to instead of trying to find a way of achieving these things without a Disney style story line.

“You must be the change you want to see in the world.”  I truly believe that.  Though the problems seem very immovable I try to think about what I can do to help and keep coming up blank.  I haven’t got money.  I haven’t got a lot of free time (yes there is always time to volunteer).  I try to be a person who looks at things from all angles and they all seem jagged and covered in blood at this point in time.  So I ask you for suggestions.  What, if you could realistically do something tomorrow, what would you do to be that change you would like to see?

Through the Looking Glass…

My mother commented the other day that the current US job market is most comparable to the mid-seventies, when she had just graduated from college.  Her recollection of having a degree and working two jobs, a waitress and a customer service desk employee at a Sears, hit very close to the situation that I’ve been confronted with in the past year.  I wish that I could do something iconic, like voicing the frustration of my generation, but I can only speak to my own frustrations.

This truly is a brave new world.  Millions of jobs have been lost and businesses and banks are closing around the world.  Large corporations are taking this opportunity to deflated bloated payrolls.  Banks are constricting and not lending money out at fast enough rates or taking any risks that would help start-up or small businesses.  We have left the wild west of credit with the new regulations on the lending industry and what are the lenders doing?  They are, for once, following the regulations to a “T”.  The entire country is suffering from a once bitten, twice shy mentality and people are very afraid that the next job lost will be their own.

I am among the many mid-level and entry-level corporate managers and workers wondering how to make ends meet.  Surfing the job boards on the internet is just depressing.  There seem to be a lot of three different types of ads on them:

1- High Level Managerial

2- Scams

3- Tech jobs

These are not jobs that I can qualify for without spending money that I don’t have and time that I don’t have on more education that may or may not help me to get the afore mentions jobs.  I was at the beginning of what could have been a moderately successful career and my position was eliminated.  Now I am alternately over and under qualified for 90% of the positions that I’m seeing and I’m happy, but quietly frustrated, as my younger brother and sister get their good starts in the world as they have graduated from college and gotten good jobs.

I’ve been numbed by both sides of the Economic Crisis argument.  I’m tired of the rich getting richer and the poor getting poorer.  But I’m also tired of watching as people manipulate and milk the system for all of the money that they can.  I’m also really tired of watching all of the irritating Disney tween stars having such a great career for being bad actors and singing with auto-tune to songs that someone was paid moderately well to write for them, then deciding I think that I want to design some clothing now.

I truly wish for some sort of consensus and hope, because I’m starting to doubt our ability to find a way out of this.