Forward Momentum

I’ve been told many times over the past 3 months to “keep the forward momentum” going and everything will work out.  Sounds a bit vague- right?!  I hadn’t really thought about it as more than a metaphor until last night.  I went to dinner and saw a movie with a friend of mine and on the way home I was driving down the highway in the dark of night and for a hot second I didn’t know if I was going the right way and I didn’t care.  It was as though, sitting in my car, listening to the same band I’ve been listening to for the past 3 weeks on my Ipod, it didn’t matter that the world was falling apart because I was driving somewhere.

This isn’t the first time that I’ve noticed that penchant for aimless driving- I’ve done it ever since I was 16.  I hadn’t noticed that it seems to comfort me because it simulates having a purpose in my warped little brain.  I’ve going somewhere, and I obviously must be doing something when I get there- right?  What is forward momentum anyway?  I keep remembering the episode of the X-files where some sonic weapon was being tested in the desert and people had to drive and drive at ridiculous speeds heading west or their heads would explode.  Maybe that’s what this feels like.  Sadly, moving west doesn’t seem to be an option yet, though I do think I’d have a better shot at a social life in San Diego.

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Can’t Sleep- The Clowns Will Eat Me

Sleep is eluding me this morning, due in no small part to the copious amounts of coffee I drank while working on my novel at Panera earlier, but also in large part because I cannot seem to get my mind to stop.  If you called me a prolific rambler, I couldn’t deny that accusation, but I would like to believe that my thoughts are somewhat meaningful, at least to me. Listing some man candy didn’t help, its usually a good distraction, at least long enough to shut down for a little while, though, that doesn’t seem to apply at this point.

When I stated that this has been a pretty lousy week, I wasn’t referring to a bad day at the office.  There aren’t any upsetting memorandum or snarky e-mail chains to obsess over, just the 50 mile wide crossroad of my life that I seem to be stuck in the middle of, surrounded by the debris of a carmageddon-esk pile-up.  It would probably be easier to go backwards while explaining this.

This past afternoon, I received a phone call telling me that the mother of a friend of mine died very suddenly about 24 hours ago of a heart attack.  Maida was one of my adoptive mothers.  It’s probably a good thing that my family doesn’t read this because I’m not sure that the explanation of that statement would be clear in any way that I can give it, but I’ll try.  While I was living in Miami, nearly a decade ago, there were three women who saved me from taking every wrong turn that felt good at the time.  Mrs. Batty, La Boriqua, and Booger.  I’m referring here to Booger’s mother.  We first met on campus one day when Booger came to have lunch with Mrs. Batty and that started the initial questioning of whether or not I was some crazy northern lesbian (I wore a pair of very well broken in paratrooper boots frequently at the time).  Many Friday nights of board games at Denny’s later, I was living in a tiny 2 bedroom apartment with Booger, her boyfriend, my dog, and her cat- a bit crowded.  But during that year, they opened their home and hearts to me like I was their daughter.  I was even fair game for a good old motherly lecture on occasion.  At least by then I’d settled down and gotten my head a bit more screwed on.  When I left that apartment it was to move to London to stay with my mother for a while.  It was an opportunity to see Europe (though I mostly saw all of the cheesy tourist spots in London) and to find a way to reconnect with my mother after what had been an exceptionally tough 5 years for us both.

Just like then, I find myself back at this expansive crossroads, only the debris is more poinient.  Monday, I drive up to see my father in the oncology ward that he’s been stuck in for the past 2 weeks as they have tried to figure out if he is strong enough to receive any further treatment for a tumor in his chest.  This has been exacerbated by a pre-existing medical condition that has caused him to retain nearly 55 pounds worth of fluid in a 1 week time span.  I had driven up for the night last week because my brother had flown in from San Diego to make sure that if the worst happened, he had at least been able to say good-bye.

And with all of this going on, I sit here, unable to sleep before my last day at work as I pack up my life into a 6 x 6 crate, which is admittedly better than the 2 door tercel that I usually need to be able to fit my life into, but a box all the same, and I prepare to relocate to Atlanta.  I’ve always said that I want to do my best to deal with my problems and not to run away from them, but how do you not feel like you’re running away from a problem that you are incapable of doing anything about?  When I get to Atlanta, I will do my best to find a job that will pay the bills.  I will continue to work on my novel.  I will wait by the phone, dreading one that is coming from my step-mom.  There is also a huge element of regret that my brother and I really only started to get to know our father about 10 years ago, as we both turned 18 and were able to make the decision to go and see him, to get to know our younger siblings, to try and put the pieces together, and that might not continue.  As the cherry on top of the sundae, all of this is reminding me that I haven’t had a date in over 2 years and that I would probably have pushed away any possible relationships had I bothered to attempt any and I feel like an utter and completely selfish, narcissistic fool for thinking about that.

I do understand that this is life.  Life is unfair a large part of the time and all you can do is to hold on to those shining moments and make the best out of what you’ve been handed.  The caveat to this is that in life, you have to fight like hell for what you want and if you don’t, then it’s only yours to lose.  So I come back to the cross roads- what do I want?  I took the road that made sense the last time and it turned out to be a clover leaf, but I’ve gotta say- the view is a bit tough through the 10 car pile-up.

Men That I Find Interresting

Happy Saturday one and all- It’s been a pretty crappy week, quite honestly.  That being said, I’ve decided to try and get down to the nitty gritty on a subject that has irritated me for a little while.  There are celebrities that we all find intriguing for one reason or another- they are funny, they are intelligent, or they may just be really hot, but when I’ve found myself taking an interest (ok- obsessing) over a celebrity I have found that they aren’t really in the category of normal…

So, I shall bring you into my boring and somewhat twisted mind to take a look at the men that have caught my interest in the past few years as I ask myself- why?

1. Nick Stahl

Nick Stahl and his wife Rose Murphy

I’m not sure when I became a fan of Mr. Stahl, but I would venture to say that it was as far back as “The Man Without a Face”.  There was something about that perfected vacant stare that I thought was dreamy at the age of 13 when Keanu Reeves and Richard Gere were all over the place.  It was a slow burn at that point but when I found myself with a lot more time on my hands back in 2009 I decided to dedicate a night to watching his catalog of movies.  I can’t deny that I think he’s gorgeous, but one thing that I appreciate about his acting is that he has recently chosen a lot of independent films.  I like a blockbuster when I don’t have the desire to think too hard about anything, but there are times when I really need a good thought provoking film that has nothing to do with the Lifetime Movie Network.

There is a visible development in his choice of roles that does speak to me in a way.  He and I share the same birthday, but one year apart and I can only suspect that this is a side effect of being the same age and living in the same world (globally, I mean) that I can relate and it makes me feel a kinship of some weird sort with him.  Aside from that, he’s actually a very dynamic actor.  If you take a comparison of films such as Bully (really a creepy film that I saw after Brad Renfros death) and Twist with his role in Carnivale you will see that he’s really good at being conflicted, but I kinda love the fact that he’s good at playing crazy- it’s exciting to watch.

2. Cillian Murphy

Cillian Murphy

Cillian Murphy

The first thing that caught my eye was his big baby blue eyes and dark Irish look- LOVE IT!  And, yes, there is something oddly very attractive about the fact that he seems to naturally look manerexic (Jutting cheek bones and sharp chin- sexy!).  The first movie that I really noticed him in was “Red Eye”.  This one was one of the many thrillers that I watched because I had nothing better to do with my free time as I was working full time (2 jobs actually), but the plot is that a high level concierge at a Miami hotel has to thwart an assassination from a red-eye flight into MIA.  This one got me on two levels- I worked in a hotel and I used to live in Miami and work 2 blocks from where they filmed it.  That being said, it was really fun to watch Rachel McAdams beat the hell out of him- the pen thing- Brilliant!  Through it all, he was still smouldering.  I wanted to hate his character, but I couldn’t, I just couldn’t. It was after this movie that I had to IMDB him and realized that he was the kick-ass lead in Danny Boyle’s 28 Day’s Later.  Kudos on letting it all hang out by the way and it was a fantastic film- my interest was peaked!

So, again with much free time, I took a look at his filmography and found that I do love him as an actor.  If you try to tell me that he doesn’t have range when you watch Breakfast on Pluto, 28 Days Later, Red Eye, and Disco Pigs in succession, you must have been blind, deaf, and dumb.  He takes some fun angles with movie choice and I am truly a sucker for an accent.

3. Ed Quinn

Ed Quinn

Ed Quinn

I can say that this one is actually not surprising to me.  Ed Quinn is smoking hot and I am semi-intrigued by him as an actor, but I really and truly love the character of Nathan Stark from the SyFy show “Eureka” more.  This goes back to my truly sad desire for that town to exist with an uber genius who can solve most of the problems that pop-up, and also look like a model doing it, with a snarky and intelligent sense of humor.  That’s a deadly tri-fecta for me and yes, I do realize that Nathan Stark is a fictional character, so take the fingers off of the speed dial to social services please.

4. Andrew Lee Potts

Andrew Lee Potts

Andrew Lee Potts

I just love this guy!  He’s one of the series regulars in BBC’s “Primeval” and played the role of the Hatter in SyFy’s “Alice”.  As I stated in my previous post about sexy nerds– he is one.  I like the fact that he plays to his strength by taking on characters with quirky awkward likeability (is that even a description?) and that at some point he does man-up in all of these roles.  That being said, I’m not sure that I’ve watched enough of his film and television roles to make a judgement about his range.  I just like the fact that he and his fiance, Hannah Spearrit, are so damned adorable!  They are fun in interviews and very real, down to earth people and you get the sense that if you were ever to hang out with celebrities, they would be fantastic company and that you’d hit it off right away.  It’s a lovely fantasy for those of us who are socially starved in a self-involved urban market- don’t judge!

5. Jared Leto

Jared Leto

Jared Leto

I can tell you exactly why Mr. Leto has peaked my interest and for once it’s not because he’s hot.  He has probably been told by 90% of the planet at this point that he’s good looking- “the most beautiful man” that George Lopez has seen in fact- but my interest runs a little different here.  My first exposure to our little heart-throb was as Jordan Catalano in “My So-Called Life”.  I can’t lie- I really didn’t watch the show.  Netflix has release the full series to stream and I’ve recently run the course of all of the shows that I wanted to catch up on and found myself watching a few episodes and can confirm that it is still just as uninteresting to me as I remembered.  My beef– well, maybe not a beef, but total jealousy-  stems from the fact that this guy has been so successful as an actor and was able to do a 180 degree turn and become a successful musician.  I guess that I’m a fan of hearing that a person had to overcome adversity, or to fight for something that they want- to work for the spoils and outwardly, this seems to have come very easily to him, so I’m having a bit of a hater moment.

The flip side of this is that I honestly enjoy him more as a musician than an actor.  There is a level of pretentiousness that I can’t put a finger on and that may just really be the outward appearance and self promotion that any band needs to do to be successful, but it kind of irks me.  No idea why.  He also directs that bands mini-movies of videos and I can say that I enjoy them.  It’s a nice break from the low budget look or dancing in a bootie club music video that seems to have replaced the driving in the ghetto and group dancing in random locations style video of my youth.  He’s showing his cinematic background and if you pull the video’s it’s like he’s creating tributes to films that he loves- The Kill (The Shining, A Clockwork Orange, Stanley Kubrick) and Hurricane (Eyes Wide Shut, Stanley Kubrick), or throwing Easter eggs to the Echelon (the amazing fan base they’ve built) throughout, in a very cult like way.  I’m not going to hate on that one- I think that these guys are PR genius’s.  It’s just that I have a love hate relationship with the public figure that is Jared Leto.  I do honestly wonder if he is that character in real life because he is a good actor.  All that you need to do to agree with that statement is to watch “Requiem for a Dream” and “Chapter 27”.

Honorable Mention:

6. Gerard Way- My Chemical Romance/The Umbrella Academy

Gerard Way

Gerard Way

More of a nod to the years I spent in NJ and the fact that the guy is an incredible musician.

 

 

 

 

 

 

7. Neil Gaiman- Author

Neil Gaiman

Neil Gaiman

I want this man’s twisted and brilliant mind so much more every time he writes another word- ’nuff said.

 

 

 

 

8. Kele Okereke- Musician

Kele Okereke

Kele Okereke

I’m still mourning the long silence of Bloc Party, but that being said- I am subscribed to Kele’s blog and he has a lot to say.

 

 

 

 

 

9. Henry Rollins- Singer/Author/Spoken Word Artist/General Bad-ass

Henry Rollins

Henry Rollins

I just love Mr. Rollins.  He influenced my entire youth in one way or another and even now, pushing 50 he’s still out there, loud-mouthed, bad-ass that he’s always been.  He’s the elder statesmen of my generation and I really want him to run for Congress 😦

 

 

 

10. Timothy Olyphant- Actor

Timothy Olyphant

Timothy Olyphant

I’m going to go with the unexplainable “it” for him.  I’ve seen him in bit parts and big parts over the years and I always wonder who he is and can never remember- Kind of like Pete Postelthweit.