I’ve awoken in a very introspective mood this morning and as I sat, cigarette in hand, watching the forest in my new back yard glisten in the morning sunlight. I began to ponder the idea of redemption. Maybe it was just that ‘Nostradamus 2012’ was playing on the history channel as I sipped my coffee. I pose the age old question to you- can a person be redeemed? What qualifies as an act in need of redemption?
This idea always gets wrapped up in the saying that you shouldn’t regret what you’ve done because it has led you to who you are at that moment, but it’s human nature to regret. I also agree with the saying that if you can find a person without regrets, then you will find a person who has not lived. What is it that would qualify me for redemption for my past wrongs and is there something that I’ve done which was so wrong that I’d need an incredible amount of forgiveness?
We moved around a bit as I was growing up and I will say that I was an awkward, fat and angry child who didn’t feel secure anywhere. So, of course I lashed out and I’m sure that I was just unforgivably mean to a lot of people. That being said, I never intentionally hurt anyone. I’ve always been a big mouth with a delayed edit button (I have made GREAT strides with correcting that) and I will say something that just comes out very wrong or very hurtful to others, when the intention was nothing of the sort. It was actually pointed out to me by a dear friend that the majority of the most important relationships of my current life began with immense hatred on their end. My sister from another mother, Mrs. Batty, despised me for nearly 3 months when we first met because I was that person in the back of the classroom who couldn’t hold back laughter as she, the over-achiever, showed up for her first day of college in a portable classroom with the LOUDEST hiccups I’d ever heard. It was funny, and we laugh about it now, but it took a while for her to warm up to me.
A former co-worker of mine couldn’t stand me when we first started working together, not only because she started as my boss, but because I am the kind of employee who always has ideas, for better or worse. She was irritated by me for months! Then, she got to know me and understand that I had no agenda, except to do my job to the best of my ability. I suspect that there was a realization that I was also no threat to her current position and that helped her to warm up just a bit more.
In the same respect, many of the relationships that I’ve had that started out with rainbows and flowers and happy-happy, have turned out to be some of the worst of my life. A former college room mate who decided that it was a fantastic idea to sleep with my guy and then tell me to get over it- that one didn’t work out so well. The girl from elementary school in New Jersey who was my best friend at the time telling me that I had no right to comment about messed up lives because I was the one who had no friends- you can see where this is going.
The idea of redemption might also speak more truly to fighting for what we want. There is a level of dishonor implied when you think about something you’ve done wrong and to be redeemed, you must try, must fight, to raise your status to good instead of bad. The act of apologizing is one of the few things that every person can do if they feel this way. There are many apologies that I know I need to make, but they somehow seem pointless. I would be apologizing to the children of my mothers old boss for being a raging bitch the last time I saw them when I was 15. Regardless of why, and I promise there is always a reason, just not one that matters to others, I was rude and it was unfair. This is probably why Catholics have confession- to unburden themselves from the mean and petty things along with the egregiously wrong things that they’ve done. I almost don’t want to be forgive. It somehow seems to condone an act or behavior that I don’t want to continue. To feel forgiven would mean that if I repeat the action, I could brush off the consequences and that does seem wrong to me. Forgiveness does not mean that it has been forgotten.
Either way, this is probably one of my more useless digressions. I shall continue to crochet the afghan I’m making for my new roomies and listen to their chocolate lab snore on the couch next to me as the day continues to be beautiful and I think happy thoughts 🙂