Before and After

I haven’t posted anything introspective since about mid-August, so I figure that it’s time.  An evening of mucho chardonnay and thinking tell me that this is a good idea, who am I to disregard that!

This has been one of the most eventful months of my entire life and I’m not going to bat an eye by saying that.  It’s a rare moment when you can realize that within a 30 day span there is a before and after.  For many people, the best example of this would be their lives before September 11, 2001 and their lives after September 11, 2001.  For me, that has now been trumped by my life before my fathers death and my life after my fathers death.  The most heartbreaking part about this is the fact that nothing has actually changed, except that I know he is gone for good- no take backs, no second chances.

I am grateful for the time that I was able to spend with him.  I’ve had a good decade of time spent getting to know him that simply doesn’t seem like enough, no matter how I try to spin it in my head.  There won’t be a moment where I can honestly say that I truly knew him, I don’t think that this is something that we would ever have been able to say.  It’s a sad moment when I’m thinking more about the loss that my younger siblings are feeling then what I’m going through.  They have spent their whole lives knowing him and I hurt for them because I know the pain of losing a father- a couple of times over.

Sometimes I feel like the most selfish person on the face of the planet for even thinking about my own feelings, but then I feel even guiltier for realizing that I still don’t even know what I’m truly feeling.  The numbness hasn’t yet receded.  I was never laboring under the delusion that I would have my father walk me down the aisle, I have always understood that there has been them and us- not in a mean way just in a realistic way-, but it’s an entire other thing to know that it’s not even a remote possibility.  It’s a very final moment that is different from the insubstantial fantasies that keep you going as a little girl.

There was so much more that I could have shared with you.  There was so much more that I would have liked to have known about you.  I still can’t even express in words how much I will miss you and I’m going to go and cry myself to sleep after I’ve finished typing, but I need to say again, though I did get to tell you in the hospital, I love you- very much.


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