Well, Manny, you have gotten your wish for introspection. I really haven’t come up with anything topical to say, but I have been thinking about the question of why I am single. Yesterday, while speaking with one of the office’s Admins I commented that I don’t have any single friends left and most of them have children. So she said something to the effect that if she could have chosen a path- mine seems good (i.e. – no kids, career). Aside from snickering in my head and doing a mental Homer D’Oh, I simply pointed out that I’m now 31 years old and IF I intend to have kids, then I had better get on it and she promptly reminded me that I would need to have a significant other for that to happen. So, it snowballed in my head from there.
Do I want to get married? My gut reaction is no, but I know that there is a caveat to that- I want a successful marriage and I already know that one is probably not in my future. I mean- let’s just face it- I’m a bit of a bitch. Not in a mean girls kind of way, but I rarely pull my punches, I typically take what I think of as a joke a little too far, and I insult nearly everyone I know (unintentionally) at least 3 times a week. I’m not an easy person to know.
Do I want to date? Well, sure, I guess. I can’t deny that I’m really not even pursuing a dating life at this moment. It just doesn’t seem very important and I honestly cannot deal with the drama. It’s a given for me that when the drama gets high, I lose interest. This is really not fair to whomever I’m with, but let me clarify that if it’s justified drama, I will be supportive. If we are talking about something stupid, then I’ve probably already got one foot out the door.
Am I ready to fall in love? I don’t think so. I am a bit of a cynical romantic, so I’d like to believe that none of us are ever really READY to fall in love- that it just happens and one day you are down for the count. This more than likely is not true and you need to be open to the possibility before you can grasp the elusive L bug. I’m not. My guard has been on high alert for quite a while now and not because I’ve had a bad relationship with this guy or that guy, but because of the fact that the past 3 years have seen a complete upheaval of everything that I thought and was. Maybe I’m starting to feel more comfortable and secure now, thereby allowing my mind to even contemplate whether I’m capable of having a healthy relationship.
Am I capable of having a healthy relationship? Well- the easy answer to that one is probably no. Dear readers, please note, I can find a good match for other people, but I have the most notoriously bad taste in men next to my mother’s. This doesn’t mean that I’ve dated criminals, but it means that I am attracted to men who are not a good match for me. Again, this says more about me than them, and it’s probably speaking to my inflexibility in a relationship or something of that sort. I wish that I could say, but my dating and relationship history is relatively short and pretty ugly.
Who has the cojones to ask me out? This is actually the only one of these questions that the Brat Pack who are my friends really enjoy answering. As previously stated- I’m not an easy person to know. That being said, I’m also kind of shy when my mind has connected the dots to a date/more than just casual interest kind of moment. I am OBLIVIOUS to the fact that any guy has ever flirted with me or nonchalantly asked me on a date (to my knowledge this has never happened). A man would need to be pretty straight forward with me and that takes some nerve as I have also been told that there is a glowing neon sign on my forehead that flashed F-OFF as I walk. So, the perfect storm is a guy who is confident enough to bluntly ask me to dinner or a movie (whatever), who I would find attractive (also a very subjective thing for me) and who is not chauvinistic in his approach to this very dominating move. I’m not a docile person, but I also have no desire to rule the world. It’s kind of hard to find a man who is confident enough in himself to meet this requirement who is also willing to put up with me. C’est la vie.
At the end of my brief conversation with the admin, she complimented me in a backhanded why by telling me that at least I acknowledge my (numerous) faults and that this is the first step to fixing them. I wonder- do you think that I need fixing or do you think that I just need an intelligent and brave underwear model to sweep me off of my feet?