I daydream, constantly, and I suspect that I daydream as a way of controlling the world around me. Just a few moments ago, I was fantasizing about a conversation that I will most likely never be in the position to have with a guy that I know. It was a very well thought out explanation about why we could never “see” each other socially and, well, let’s be real- it’s me so there will be no point in time that I would be having that conversation. My favorite tactic is to ignore the desire until it is gone thereby NOT creating any conflict.
I’ve explored this rabbit hole before and find that it aids one of the few things that I like about my writing- the character interactions. This actually has become a problem because I am so focused on the interactions that the necessary descriptive elements are short changed. In real life, I’ve wondered if I have ever “remembered” having a conversation with someone that had only taken place in my head and, to date, I haven’t proven this suspicion to be warranted- I have an unfortunately long and accurate memory. But I digress-
Relationships- If one is habitually living a relationship in their head as a way of sussing out the potential issues, is there ever any hope for becoming that person who is able to just live in the moment? I suspect that it goes back to the control issue and trying to anticipate problems before they happen. Now, this has served me well professionally, even if it has torpedoed many moment where I’d thought that I could be a part of a healthy relationship. It’s a useful skill! It’s a perpetual kill-joy because you end up becoming the “responsible” friend.
In my internal conversations with a man that I’m in a healthy relationship with, I imagine that we are boring. You’d think that I would be picturing exotic vacations to Bali or action packed treks through the mountains while being chased by an angry group of Russian Mobsters, but no. I picture a Sunday morning where we are sitting at a kitchen table, drinking coffee and reading our respective newspapers and magazines, while the cats play in the other room. The traditional picture of domestic bliss that we are apparently supposed to achieve as adults according to Lifetime Movies and Television. Now, really? I can imagine a small segment of the population living this life, but more likely they are either awake and on the couch watching TV or running around doing the countless tasks and errands that equal real life.
I know that I’m rambling now and I’m OK with that. I’ve never promised that this blog would contain earth shattering or life altering publications- just the spewing of my head. That being said, is it naive of me to be making efforts to put myself “out there” more because I’ve realized that my internal life has become much too comfortable? There’s a reason why I’ve been fine living in my head for quite a while and it really has to do with an incredibly weakened ability to deal with any more upheaval and, let’s be honest, opening yourself up to reality will only lead to upheaval and change. It’s that change that leads to fear. Alternately, it’s also a fear of stagnation for me.
What if I do end up finding someone that I’d like to keep around for longer than a few months- what then? Do we get into a comfortable routine, do we have a “date night”, does it mean the end of being able to say- I will go wherever the world takes me? Or, does it mean that you have company for the journey? This is one of those questions that I won’t be able to answer with any authority until I allow myself to experience it I think.