If Solitude Be Mine, I Shall Embrace It

Once more I sit in front of this keyboard thinking deep thoughts when I should be thinking about how to get our heros out of the Dominican Republic safely.  Except that I’ve only had one train of thought this week and it has come from a realization- an epiphany you could say.

For many years, my friends, family, loved ones, and nosy strangers have all asked me what kind of man I’m looking for.  I’m not going to touch on the assumption that I’m looking for a man in this day and age, but I do in fact, prefer gentlemen.  Each time that question comes up, I have drawn a blank.  What the hell am I looking for?  Who am I waiting for?  There is never a very satisfactory answer that I can give.  I mumble some crap about how I really don’t have a type, because I honestly have no idea.  Until now.

I have realized what it is that I’m waiting for and I now understand why I won’t settle for just anyone.

I need a warrior to fight beside me in the darkness.  Sorry Disney, but a Prince simply won’t due- I’d probably break him anyway.  I need someone strong enough to fight my battles with me (not for me) and to let me fight their battles with them.  As much as I do appreciate the chivalric code, I simply can’t see how I could fit into that mold.  I’m not a damsel in distress, I’m not meek, so there are simply very few conceivable reasons I’d need saving from the dragon, but damned if I wouldn’t really want some back-up.

The most successful relationships I’ve had the privilege of witnessing are based upon this theory, I’ve realized.  Is this what love is meant to be?  The feelings that are supposed to be associated with it I’m still hazy on, but that sense of having someone fighting the battles with you is a necessity for me, I think.  The Warrior has seen the evil and will turn to face it.

I cannot feel like I’m being 100% open with a man if I’m too concerned that I will be dragging him down into the darkness with me.  Too many people have told me, “Love changes you,”  and this has never sat quite right with me.  Yes, you would hopefully adapt to bringing another person into your life, to integrating every aspect at some point, but I’m still a firm believer that you cannot go into a relationship with the belief that you will change the things that you do not like about someone.

You cannot change a person- they must change themselves.

As this is a pretty recent revelation, I can’t say for sure if I would do this in any given situation, but I do feel that if I could find a Warrior- broken, imperfect, and willing to fight beside me- that I would be absolutely enamored.



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