I’ve been having an interesting conversation that started with a new friend whom we shall name Flyboy for his much appreciated service to our country.
What do you do when you feel like every choice you make is doomed to twist itself into the opposite of what you are intending? It seems like this would be a pretty easy question to answer- Make different choices, right?
It has occurred to me, and Mrs. Batty reminded me of this today, that growth is a very, very, very, very, very…. (you get the point) slow process. I have known that I am attracted to unavailable men for most of my adult life and that is a pattern that I can’t seem to break, no matter how hard I think that I’m trying. That’s easy- choose different men!
The problem becomes that it’s not my choice in men that I need to fix, it’s me. It’s about what I feel that I deserve and I’m sure that subconsciously I’ve determined it’s safer to be alone and self-sabotage is the way to go!
Flyboy seems to be just coming to this understanding and I can 100% sympathize with how crappy that feels. I wish I could explain to him without seeming like a pompous ass-hat that the simple answer is the hardest path to walk down because it is long and rocky. Or, who knows, maybe I’m just full of shit and projecting my own thoughts about my personal journey onto someone that I feel has been following a similar path. Either way, I think that I can truly understand his darkness and it does make me sad to know he’s still got a long way to go and it’s a pretty lonely journey.
So, Mrs. Batty- ever the optimist- did point out that, “Being open enough to the possibility that you can get hurt [by another person] and that it would be OK is a big step.” And she is right. The statement that she was responding to is my new found belief that I will probably end up being single and living alone (with my 3 cats) for a good part of the remainder of my life, but that I’ve come to terms with this fact and it would also be OK if that were to be my future.
I guess this realization is what people mean by being comfortable with yourself before you can be comfortable with another person. I’m open to suggestions, but online dating is not a route that I am contemplating. I’m done chasing men who attract me to them because as we have already established, I have an uncanny radar for entirely unavailable men.
My game plan for the next little while is to let the cosmos throw their best and their worst at me and it will either hurt or it won’t, but I promise myself to not push aside my better judgement. Not listening to my intuition is how I’ve gotten into all of the previous messes that I call a relationship history.