Waxing Poetic From the Dark Side of the Moon

I’ve been having an interesting conversation that started with a new friend whom we shall name Flyboy for his much appreciated service to our country.

What do you do when you feel like every choice you make is doomed to twist itself into the opposite of what you are intending?  It seems like this would be a pretty easy question to answer- Make different choices, right?

It has occurred to me, and Mrs. Batty reminded me of this today, that growth is a very, very, very, very, very…. (you get the point) slow process.  I have known that I am attracted to unavailable men for most of my adult life and that is a pattern that I can’t seem to break, no matter how hard I think that I’m trying.  That’s easy- choose different men!

The problem becomes that it’s not my choice in men that I need to fix, it’s me.  It’s about what I feel that I deserve and I’m sure that subconsciously I’ve determined it’s safer to be alone and self-sabotage is the way to go!

Flyboy seems to be just coming to this understanding and I can 100% sympathize with how crappy that feels.  I wish I could explain to him without seeming like a pompous ass-hat that the simple answer is the hardest path to walk down because it is long and rocky.  Or, who knows, maybe I’m just full of shit and projecting my own thoughts about my personal journey onto someone that I feel has been following a similar path.  Either way, I think that I can truly understand his darkness and it does make me sad to know he’s still got a long way to go and it’s a pretty lonely journey.

So, Mrs. Batty- ever the optimist- did point out that, “Being open enough to the possibility that you can get hurt [by another person] and that it would be OK is a big step.”  And she is right.  The statement that she was responding to is my new found belief that I will probably end up being single and living alone (with my 3 cats) for a good part of the remainder of my life, but that I’ve come to terms with this fact and it would also be OK if that were to be my future.

I guess this realization is what people mean by being comfortable with yourself before you can be comfortable with another person.  I’m open to suggestions, but online dating is not a route that I am contemplating.  I’m done chasing men who attract me to them because as we have already established, I have an uncanny radar for entirely unavailable men.

My game plan for the next little while is to let the cosmos throw their best and their worst at me and it will either hurt or it won’t, but I promise myself to not push aside my better judgement.  Not listening to my intuition is how I’ve gotten into all of the previous messes that I call a relationship history.

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Memory of Middle School

Maybe it’s just me reminiscing, maybe it’s the fact that “The Princess Diaries” is on, or maybe it’s just guilt, but I am remembering a moment from when I was in middle school in New Jersey.  I was by no means popular and I was just as much of a private person as I am today, which is a bit oxy-moronic for my two loyal readers, but there was a young man named Jamie Papp that I knew.  He was one of those guys who always seemed popular and was the “cool” guy who didn’t lead any teams or anything like that (or at least so far as I remember at this moment).  I will admit freely that I don’t remember much about those years anymore, but this one keeps popping up in my head.

He had recently split with his girlfriend who was also known to be cool, but a little unstable (I believe that she downed a bottle of aspirin at one point).  I was at my locker and I remember that he came up to me and very seriously began to tell me that I was not like any of the other girls that he knew at the school.  Thinking back on it, it must have taken a lot of nerve to come up to me like that, since I was not the most welcoming person in the world.  He was a genuinely nice person, but at the time I didn’t trust anyone.  I thought that he was making fun and would go back to his friends and laugh about it later if I was receptive to his interest.  Needless to say, I expressed to him how little I believe what he was saying and walked away.

It’s one of those moments that I do regret and no matter how much I’d like to say that I don’t regret much, I do.  I was mean- unintentionally so, but I probably hurt his feelings and I feel badly about it.  This leads me to wonder- how many of the things we regret have stemmed from our own insecurities?

Were I in a better place personally, I wouldn’t have reacted that way.  Had I not been scared and hurting I probably would have either been nicer or whatever else would have happened, but I wasn’t and I didn’t.  That day has informed many of my choices since for the better and for the worse, I’m sure.  I wish that I could say that this regret has made me more open to relationships, but it truly hasn’t and that reality is due in no part to Jamie.

There are so many things in life that effect others in ways that we had never intended and that were truly no fault of their own that will inform their actions for years to come.  For him, I have no idea what effect I had, if any.  I honestly don’t believe that he would even remember who I was if my name came up, but I can safely say that I will never forget him.  I will never forget the imagined wrong that I’ve done him and it will probably show up in one of the books that I plan to write.

The Rest of My Life?

I’ve been asking myself for nearly a year now what I will do with the rest of my life and I can’t deny that it’s an impossible question.  I can barely say what I’m going to do with myself in the next 3 months let alone the inevitable 50 next years.  I’ve just turned 30 and all of the people who I went to school with are either married, getting married, well into having started their families, well into their careers, or otherwise successful human beings and that just doesn’t feel like me at this moment.

I’ve never truly known what I would be when I grow up, but I’ve always known what I like to do.  unfortunately, my likes are not special enough to make turning them into a career a very good option.  I like to cook (not in an industrial capacity),  I like to write, I like to knit and crochet, I like to plan, I like to do a lot of things, but me liking it and it being lucrative are two completely different things.

The past year has been very tough.  It’s probably the toughest year I’ve had to date and that is saying something.  The only conclusion that I’ve come to is that I really need to get off my ass and write my book(s).  The only thing that ever felt right was my being a writer, but how many others have said and felt the same thing to no end?  Sometimes it feels like the only contribution I can make to society is to document and chronicle the things the I seem and the things that people are too scared to say.  That being said, I hate to report that those things aren’t very interesting a lot of the time.

Who cares that the vast majority of people out there are screaming in silent frustration at the world around them?  We all know this, it isn’t a new observation for most of us.  The writers that are still read to this day found a way to break the human condition down to its base elements and resonate within their hearts.  What is my story?  What is the truth that I’ve got in me to chronicle?

I don’t have an answer.  I’ve heard too many times that if you’re trying to tell a true story and it is still to close to your own pain, then you won’t be able to effectively convey both sides that make it dynamic.  I still don’t know what that means, I just know that it rings in my ears as I fail to write something.  I’ve been recently focusing on fiction and that seems to be helping.  Taking the people who I know and love and translating my feelings of isolation into a world where we can all be together- it’s cathartic because it would never really happen.

So, my question to you- my two loyal readers- is this:

What is the point?  What is the magic that we are meant to bring into this world?

Disappointments of the past week

I just can’t seem to get these things off of my mind so I’m going to list them in the hopes that this will purge these thoughts from my head.

Television- Jon and Kate….  I’m going to go back to my original Martyr statement with these two.  Why the hell would you not AT LEAST go through the counseling process on screen?  I mean- you’ve spent the last 5 years on camera to NOW not want to put some effort into saving your marriage?  Granted, if I were Jon, I probably would have grown a pair before now, but for crying out loud!  In normal divorces there is plenty of he said, she said going around, but they uniquely have it all on tape, soooooooooooo….  I give up- but I feel for those kids who are now going to have to go through something really tough on national television.

Work- I’m mad at myself for not performing to my own standards, I’m upset with my boss for making assumptions and generally being a jerk, I’m irritated with my peers because they are stuck in a world that revolves ONLY around themselves, I’m still a bit frustrated with my staff- though not too much.

The Media- I totally thought of Michael Jackson as an innovator and an Icon, but the amount of coverage is a little excessive.  ALSO- is there truly anyone who is shocked that they suspect a drug overdose- really?

OK- I can’t think of any more for today.

Monday

Here we are, another Monday morning and I really can’t say that I’m any more excited to be at work than on any other day.  I did spend most of the weekend working from home, but I would only use that as an excuse if I were in a different state of mind than every other Monday.  Just call me Garfield 😀

I do dream of being that person who loves every minute of what they do.  I keep thinking of that Sam Adams commercial where the founder is sitting there telling us all how much he loves his job and all I’m thinking is, “well la ti DA- why don’t you bottle and sell that!”  How can we find that in our day to day lives?  How can we make sure that we enjoy what we do without being drugged the entire time? 

Sadly- most of the things that I really enjoy doing won’t earn me any money and pay the rent, so I do what I do and I’m not 100% unsatisfied with my job.  I can’t help feeling that there is something that I missed- something else that I was meant to do and that I’m letting it pass me by.