“Time May Change Me, But I Can’t Trace Time”

I searched the word changes on Bing and Google in an attempt to ignore my inability to figure out the next part of a scene that I’m writing and the top 4 hits (using 4 because Google only had that many) were amusing to me.

Bing: Definition, Parental Control, Hair Salon, and Black Sabbath

Google: Definition, Global Activism, One Direction, and Oil Changes

The 5th hit on Bing was more what I was thinking about when I chose that word- David Bowie.  I know that I’ve spent many hours of contemplation on this subject, but it’s been on my mind a lot lately and who better to illustrate this than Ziggy Stardust himself/herself/itself?

There are frequent posts on Facebook with sayings like, “If you’re not willing to change, don’t expect your life to either” or “Change is inevitable, progress is optional”.  Ok, so that second one is just one that I know, but the rest are too long to put into a post.  It’s a lost of positive affirmations about moving forward and how to inspire yourself and others.  This may say more about the people that I know than the world, though I can’t say that’s a bad thing.  I feel good thinking that I associate (even if it’s only electronically) with people who are trying to better themselves some way.

Initially I did some really deep thinking on this when I lost my job in DC and had to figure out what my next step would be.  That was in no way fun, it was ego crushing, and I don’t care what anyone says- it was not liberating.  I spent months in a funk trying to convince myself that I wasn’t a failure with the support of some incredible women.  Sorry men, I just couldn’t find an incredibly supportive guy to lean on- nothing personal 😉  Long story short- it sucked.

Out of this personal turmoil came “the idea”.  I needed to escape the reality of suckiness and determined that the one thing I can do that I have never felt like a complete failure at is write.  The novel has been a work in progress since then and has morphed and twisted into something that, even as a first draft, Mrs. Batty and I should be extremely proud of.  This past December, around my birthday also known as when I start to feel like I’ve accomplished nothing in my life every year, I became determine to finish book 1 of this story (yes, it’s morphed to a multi-book story) by December of this year.  I’ll be turning 35 and just feel as though I need to push myself to shit or get off the pot with something.  If it isn’t going to be finishing this book, then it needs to be focusing on my other career.

Back to the changes.  All of these positive affirmations and saying are actually quite nice to see, but they are really reminding me of all of the personal changes that I know that I need to make and have been putting off.  I work too much still and ignore my personal life.  I have terrible taste in men and find the single most unavailable ones to convince myself that I should take a shot at (utterly masochistic of me) in some sort of sick self-fulfilling prophecy.  My list of real life friends is slowly shrinking and I’ve not tended to finding ways to meet new people, so isolation is an issue and I still can’t figure out if it’s intentional or inadvertent.

But- I can’t help thinking that this is just temporary.  I knew what I was taking on when I set my heart to writing a novel, while working a minimum of 50 hours a week.  Both jobs are creatively draining and I also find myself doing the internal pep talk of “just do it!  stop procrastinating and just do it!” much more than I used to.

I recently sent a copy of the unfinished manuscript to someone that I’ve formed a wonderful work relationship with and she’s absolutely salivating for the finished work.  This is encouraging and now I need to figure out what changes I have to make in order to keep the forward momentum going.  My resolve is still there.  Come hell or high water- this book will be ready to send out by the end of the year, it’s just that the path to this is not so clear in my mind.

I leave you with one of my favorite quotes about change:

Be_the_change_you_wish_to_see_in_the_world_wall_sticker

– Mahatma Ghandi

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My first lay off……

This is a first that I never thought I would experience.  It isn’t that I thought I would be immune to it, but just that up until 2pm on this past Friday- there was no hinting that this was coming.  My place of employ was making our budget and we were exceeding our forecasts in a spectacular way.  Room nights were up, occupancy was steady, but ADR was down. 

They are taking 8 positions, 7 hourly and 1 managerial, and merging 2 departments to create 4 new positions.  Aside from the fact that it does not seem like they have done their research when it comes to implimenting this change, they blind sided us with it- and THAT is what I resent.  The merger is something that I had supported quite a while ago and was ignored, but the way that they have gone about this is just uncalled for.

I worked for a company that prides itself on the way that it’s associates are treated and quite frankly- for a group that is being told that performance was not a factor in the decision- this does not feel like anything more than a knife in the back.

Positivity is what has been suggested to me by those higher ups and they aren’t wrong, but it sure doesn’t seem like it will be very easy to come by at this moment.  I have no idea where I will be in 3 weeks and I don’t like that feeling.  This isn’t even taking into account the people in my department who have more obligations than I do! There were 3 single mothers, 1 disabled woman (knee surgery), and 3 of us who are already just getting by and they couldn’t have approached this any other way than- here is your severance, please feel free to re-post for this new job.

All economic concerns aside- when did we stop caring about each other?

Contemplations for Tuesday

Metro Accident– really a horrible thing and on one of the busiest lines in DC. Would I deem this a catastrophe though- probably not. I would classify a catastrophe as the Gulf Coast during Katrina.
Death– Just found out yesterday that a friend of mine will have to pull the plug on her dearest Uncle on Thursday after he was hit by a truck doing 20 mph and suffered a severe head injury. I’m not sure why, but I’m still shocked by the shear frailty of human life.
Job Stress– So, the day is less stressful and the next time I’m asked to spearhead the re-location of 200 people, I will know exactly what to do without getting overwhelmed.
Family Stress– nothing I can do about that one.
Money– still an issue and I’ve definitely got a job that doesn’t pay overtime and doesn’t leave time for any extra endeavours. I need to get a boyfriend to move in with- it’s very economical (don’t think at me like that- it’s not totally wrong).

Thursday’s Highlights

Good Afternoon Boys and Girls!

I’ve been a busy little poster and I do appologize……….  There is something that I like about looking back at things I’ve written to remember what I was doing and to attempt to remember what the hell I was thinking when I had put pen to paper.  Sometimes, it’s a work I’m proud of and other times I hope that the reader get a good laugh and a head shake in then forgets they’d seen it.  I wonder- do a lot of writers feel that way?  Is it possible that Hemmingway wrote the old man and the sea (which incidentally- I’m not a fan of) and then promptly thought, wow this sucks, once he picked it up to read it?  It would be an incredible irony.

So my deep thought quota for the day is full, so why does it still feel like I’m staring down a well.

Contemplations for a Rainy Tuesday

Good Morning and Happy Tuesday!  For my two loyal readers- yes, hell is freezing over (cold front over Texas ;-D) because I am posting twice in two days!!!!

It dawned on me yesterday as I drove home from Reston that I’m really truly not going to get married and have children.  Not because I don’t want to, but because for me to feel comfortable enough for that to happen will take a miracle.  And this is the side effect of being me.  I was trying to list the criteria that would be the man I would want to marry and everything I was coming up with would be sooooooo extreme that not even I would feel right about imposing it upon anyone.

Maybe I’m just being cynical- you tell me.

The Perfect Man for Me =

1.  Must be 100% loyal to me.  As much as I would hate to admit it, if I ever found out that my man cheated, it would be over right then and there.  Not that I wouldn’t want to try and work it out, but knowing me, I would have checked out of the relationship emotionally at that instant.

2. This is sort of a sub-category of number 1- He must be in it for the long haul.  Not that it’s a religious or moral thing, but if I ever get married, there will not be divorce in my future.  Maybe that’s why I can’t imagine this ever happening.

So, without even going any further with my list, can you imagine how unfair those 2 items are to expect of someone?  Maybe I’m just being toooooo contemplative.  I’ve been accused of overthinking thinks by more than one person.