I daydream, constantly, and I suspect that I daydream as a way of controlling the world around me. Just a few moments ago, I was fantasizing about a conversation that I will most likely never be in the position to have with a guy that I know. It was a very well thought out explanation about why we could never “see” each other socially and, well, let’s be real- it’s me so there will be no point in time that I would be having that conversation. My favorite tactic is to ignore the desire until it is gone thereby NOT creating any conflict.
I’ve explored this rabbit hole before and find that it aids one of the few things that I like about my writing- the character interactions. This actually has become a problem because I am so focused on the interactions that the necessary descriptive elements are short changed. In real life, I’ve wondered if I have ever “remembered” having a conversation with someone that had only taken place in my head and, to date, I haven’t proven this suspicion to be warranted- I have an unfortunately long and accurate memory. But I digress-
Relationships- If one is habitually living a relationship in their head as a way of sussing out the potential issues, is there ever any hope for becoming that person who is able to just live in the moment? I suspect that it goes back to the control issue and trying to anticipate problems before they happen. Now, this has served me well professionally, even if it has torpedoed many moment where I’d thought that I could be a part of a healthy relationship. It’s a useful skill! It’s a perpetual kill-joy because you end up becoming the “responsible” friend.
In my internal conversations with a man that I’m in a healthy relationship with, I imagine that we are boring. You’d think that I would be picturing exotic vacations to Bali or action packed treks through the mountains while being chased by an angry group of Russian Mobsters, but no. I picture a Sunday morning where we are sitting at a kitchen table, drinking coffee and reading our respective newspapers and magazines, while the cats play in the other room. The traditional picture of domestic bliss that we are apparently supposed to achieve as adults according to Lifetime Movies and Television. Now, really? I can imagine a small segment of the population living this life, but more likely they are either awake and on the couch watching TV or running around doing the countless tasks and errands that equal real life.
I know that I’m rambling now and I’m OK with that. I’ve never promised that this blog would contain earth shattering or life altering publications- just the spewing of my head. That being said, is it naive of me to be making efforts to put myself “out there” more because I’ve realized that my internal life has become much too comfortable? There’s a reason why I’ve been fine living in my head for quite a while and it really has to do with an incredibly weakened ability to deal with any more upheaval and, let’s be honest, opening yourself up to reality will only lead to upheaval and change. It’s that change that leads to fear. Alternately, it’s also a fear of stagnation for me.
What if I do end up finding someone that I’d like to keep around for longer than a few months- what then? Do we get into a comfortable routine, do we have a “date night”, does it mean the end of being able to say- I will go wherever the world takes me? Or, does it mean that you have company for the journey? This is one of those questions that I won’t be able to answer with any authority until I allow myself to experience it I think.
Metro Accident– really a horrible thing and on one of the busiest lines in DC. Would I deem this a catastrophe though- probably not. I would classify a catastrophe as the Gulf Coast during Katrina.
Death– Just found out yesterday that a friend of mine will have to pull the plug on her dearest Uncle on Thursday after he was hit by a truck doing 20 mph and suffered a severe head injury. I’m not sure why, but I’m still shocked by the shear frailty of human life.
Job Stress– So, the day is less stressful and the next time I’m asked to spearhead the re-location of 200 people, I will know exactly what to do without getting overwhelmed.
Family Stress– nothing I can do about that one.
Money– still an issue and I’ve definitely got a job that doesn’t pay overtime and doesn’t leave time for any extra endeavours. I need to get a boyfriend to move in with- it’s very economical (don’t think at me like that- it’s not totally wrong).
I’m really trying not to think quite frankly. In my almost 29 years (I apologize in advance to those who think I’m not old enough), I have come to the conclusion that thinking only gets me in to trouble. I have also realized that the reason I contemplate being a house wife is because in my mind it is somehow an easier option. This of course is not true since a big reason that I work a lot is to not think about home- that train doesn’t go anywhere happy.
The moment that I wish I could stay in is the mornings before my cats get hungry, maybe 4am ish, when I wake up just a little and I’ve got one cat in the crook of my knee and the other snuggled into my side. I’m sleepy and content and that, at this moment, is the most perfect time for me. Why? Because I’m not thinking about anything other than the cats and being comfortable and content.
Good Evening Ladies and Germs-
I am trying to figure out a few things. In the grand scheme of things, I have a pretty cool boss and I would like to think that I’m a relatively good employee, but then there are days like today. I have absolutely no issues going above and beyond my job description-hell, I work in a HOTEL, above and beyond is a requirement. What I have issues with is when that extra mile is unrecognized and then expected. It doesn’t help that there is soooooo much gray area around my job description that not even Just for Men could cover it up, but I find myself in an interesting situation. I am not the person in the office who would be useless if I don’t get a pat on the back for every little thing, but we have an award called the Manager of the Quarter and they give that person $500 when they win. I am in a non-revenue generating department and from the track record we have had, the only people who get this are the ones who “earn”. I do get a tad pissed though that all of the winners are also the ones who go out drinking with the Resident Manager- I’m not cool enough for that nor do I try to be.
So here is my questions to you all (though I’m sure I know who the 2 people who would respond are):
How do you continue to give 110% at the office, but not end up being taken for granted or absorbing a lot of tasks that you shouldn’t? How do you draw the line in a way that doesn’t sign your pink slip?
Yes, I fully admit to you all here and now that- as a self proclaimed writer- I sure don’t sit down to write very often. That may be why you never hear me whining about why I can’t write anything, because I know full well that I’ve not put a whole lot of effort into it.
My excuse you ask? Reality.
I do wonder what about my day is sooooooo draining, but I promise you that I have no motivation to do much when I get to my apartment after work. Alternately- those weekends feel like heaven!
Here is my schedule: M-F
Wake up @ 5:30 am
-feed the cats, brush teeth, eat some oatmeal, drink some tea, and go.
6:15am Catch the Bus
6:40am Get off the Bus to catch my train at the Pentagon Terminal
7:00am Walk into my office and start the day.
12:00pm Eat Lunch (this time may vary depending upon what is happening that day)
6:00pm Leave my office to go home (this can vary from 5:30pm-6:30pm, again, depending upon what is going on that day)
7:00pm (ish) Walk into my apartment.
From this point, I usually just get dinner and vegetate on the couch while knitting in front of the TV and cuddling with my kitties- boring, yes, relaxing, absolutely.
My schedule on the weekends is not really what I’d call a schedule. It consists of running random errands and doing very little, so I will volunteer myself for the lazy category. I will not, however, feel bad about it.
Back to the reason I brought this up- writing!
I’ve had my story idea in my hear for years and most of my frustration is that I simply cannot figure out how to make it into a relevant and good story. Every plot and character and scenario that runs through my head really seems to cheesy for what I’d like this story to be. I’ve almost resigned myself to the fact that it probably is a cheesy story, which is why it cannot be fixed. That being said- I haven’t given up the ghost yet.
I’m long past the time when sitting at a cafe with my blank book and a cup of coffee stimulated my creative juices. So I need to find out what will get my stream of consciousness flowing. How do you deflate at the end of the day to think about something else? I find that I watch TV to stop thinking about my day and leave it at the office. I used to read books, but I’ve been tired of that recently- I’ll probably pick that up again soon. The problem is, when I try to insert journaling or freestyle writing of any sort into this time, it turns into an I hate my job speech or my working out the finer points of whatever projects I’m working on at the time.
As much as I know my mother would be proud of me for being such a good little worker- this gets me no closer to my goal of the great American novel. So, I have described my dilemma- Total laziness and inability to detach from the workplace. I am open to suggestions to getting my inner writer back.
P.S.- I totally used spell check ;-D
Good Evening Everyone!
I guess that saying that is like the royal “we”, but it seems polite so I’ll keep it. I am no one special, but like everyone on the web, I believe that what I have to put in writing is somehow important. So, should you decide to become a regular visitor here, I welcome your comments! If those comments are rude and mean- then don’t be surprised if ninja migits show up at your home to kill you.
On to it!