If Solitude Be Mine, I Shall Embrace It

Once more I sit in front of this keyboard thinking deep thoughts when I should be thinking about how to get our heros out of the Dominican Republic safely.  Except that I’ve only had one train of thought this week and it has come from a realization- an epiphany you could say.

For many years, my friends, family, loved ones, and nosy strangers have all asked me what kind of man I’m looking for.  I’m not going to touch on the assumption that I’m looking for a man in this day and age, but I do in fact, prefer gentlemen.  Each time that question comes up, I have drawn a blank.  What the hell am I looking for?  Who am I waiting for?  There is never a very satisfactory answer that I can give.  I mumble some crap about how I really don’t have a type, because I honestly have no idea.  Until now.

I have realized what it is that I’m waiting for and I now understand why I won’t settle for just anyone.

I need a warrior to fight beside me in the darkness.  Sorry Disney, but a Prince simply won’t due- I’d probably break him anyway.  I need someone strong enough to fight my battles with me (not for me) and to let me fight their battles with them.  As much as I do appreciate the chivalric code, I simply can’t see how I could fit into that mold.  I’m not a damsel in distress, I’m not meek, so there are simply very few conceivable reasons I’d need saving from the dragon, but damned if I wouldn’t really want some back-up.

The most successful relationships I’ve had the privilege of witnessing are based upon this theory, I’ve realized.  Is this what love is meant to be?  The feelings that are supposed to be associated with it I’m still hazy on, but that sense of having someone fighting the battles with you is a necessity for me, I think.  The Warrior has seen the evil and will turn to face it.

I cannot feel like I’m being 100% open with a man if I’m too concerned that I will be dragging him down into the darkness with me.  Too many people have told me, “Love changes you,”  and this has never sat quite right with me.  Yes, you would hopefully adapt to bringing another person into your life, to integrating every aspect at some point, but I’m still a firm believer that you cannot go into a relationship with the belief that you will change the things that you do not like about someone.

You cannot change a person- they must change themselves.

As this is a pretty recent revelation, I can’t say for sure if I would do this in any given situation, but I do feel that if I could find a Warrior- broken, imperfect, and willing to fight beside me- that I would be absolutely enamored.

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Waxing Poetic From the Dark Side of the Moon

I’ve been having an interesting conversation that started with a new friend whom we shall name Flyboy for his much appreciated service to our country.

What do you do when you feel like every choice you make is doomed to twist itself into the opposite of what you are intending?  It seems like this would be a pretty easy question to answer- Make different choices, right?

It has occurred to me, and Mrs. Batty reminded me of this today, that growth is a very, very, very, very, very…. (you get the point) slow process.  I have known that I am attracted to unavailable men for most of my adult life and that is a pattern that I can’t seem to break, no matter how hard I think that I’m trying.  That’s easy- choose different men!

The problem becomes that it’s not my choice in men that I need to fix, it’s me.  It’s about what I feel that I deserve and I’m sure that subconsciously I’ve determined it’s safer to be alone and self-sabotage is the way to go!

Flyboy seems to be just coming to this understanding and I can 100% sympathize with how crappy that feels.  I wish I could explain to him without seeming like a pompous ass-hat that the simple answer is the hardest path to walk down because it is long and rocky.  Or, who knows, maybe I’m just full of shit and projecting my own thoughts about my personal journey onto someone that I feel has been following a similar path.  Either way, I think that I can truly understand his darkness and it does make me sad to know he’s still got a long way to go and it’s a pretty lonely journey.

So, Mrs. Batty- ever the optimist- did point out that, “Being open enough to the possibility that you can get hurt [by another person] and that it would be OK is a big step.”  And she is right.  The statement that she was responding to is my new found belief that I will probably end up being single and living alone (with my 3 cats) for a good part of the remainder of my life, but that I’ve come to terms with this fact and it would also be OK if that were to be my future.

I guess this realization is what people mean by being comfortable with yourself before you can be comfortable with another person.  I’m open to suggestions, but online dating is not a route that I am contemplating.  I’m done chasing men who attract me to them because as we have already established, I have an uncanny radar for entirely unavailable men.

My game plan for the next little while is to let the cosmos throw their best and their worst at me and it will either hurt or it won’t, but I promise myself to not push aside my better judgement.  Not listening to my intuition is how I’ve gotten into all of the previous messes that I call a relationship history.

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Why Are You Still Single?

Maybe I am being too picky, but maybe not.Well, Manny, you have gotten your wish for introspection.  I really haven’t come up with anything topical to say, but I have been thinking about the question of why I am single.  Yesterday, while speaking with one of the office’s Admins I commented that I don’t have any single friends left and most of them have children.  So she said something to the effect that if she could have chosen a path- mine seems good (i.e. – no kids, career).  Aside from snickering in my head and doing a mental Homer D’Oh, I simply pointed out that I’m now 31 years old and IF I intend to have kids, then I had better get on it and she promptly reminded me that I would need to have a significant other for that to happen.  So, it snowballed in my head from there.

Do I want to get married?  My gut reaction is no, but I know that there is a caveat to that- I want a successful marriage and I already know that one is probably not in my future.  I mean- let’s just face it- I’m a bit of a bitch.  Not in a mean girls kind of way, but I rarely pull my punches, I typically take what I think of as a joke a little too far, and I insult nearly everyone I know (unintentionally) at least 3 times a week.  I’m not an easy person to know.

Do I want to date?  Well, sure, I guess.  I can’t deny that I’m really not even pursuing a dating life at this moment.  It just doesn’t seem very important and I honestly cannot deal with the drama.  It’s a given for me that when the drama gets high, I lose interest.  This is really not fair to whomever I’m with, but let me clarify that if it’s justified drama, I will be supportive.  If we are talking about something stupid, then I’ve probably already got one foot out the door.

Am I ready to fall in love?  I don’t think so.  I am a bit of a cynical romantic, so I’d like to believe that none of us are ever really READY to fall in love- that it just happens and one day you are down for the count.  This more than likely is not true and you need to be open to the possibility before you can grasp the elusive L bug.  I’m not.  My guard has been on high alert for quite a while now and not because I’ve had a bad relationship with this guy or that guy, but because of the fact that the past 3 years have seen a complete upheaval of everything that I thought and was.  Maybe I’m starting to feel more comfortable and secure now, thereby allowing my mind to even contemplate whether I’m capable of having a healthy relationship.

Am I capable of having a healthy relationship?  Well- the easy answer to that one is probably no.  Dear readers, please note, I can find a good match for other people, but I have the most notoriously bad taste in men next to my mother’s.  This doesn’t mean that I’ve dated criminals, but it means that I am attracted to men who are not a good match for me.  Again, this says more about me than them, and it’s probably speaking to my inflexibility in a relationship or something of that sort.  I wish that I could say, but my dating and relationship history is relatively short and pretty ugly.

Who has the cojones to ask me out?  This is actually the only one of these questions that the Brat Pack who are my friends really enjoy answering.  As previously stated- I’m not an easy person to know.  That being said, I’m also kind of shy when my mind has connected the dots to a date/more than just casual interest kind of moment.  I am OBLIVIOUS to the fact that any guy has ever flirted with me or nonchalantly asked me on a date (to my knowledge this has never happened).  A man would need to be pretty straight forward with me and that takes some nerve as I have also been told that there is a glowing neon sign on my forehead that flashed F-OFF as I walk.  So, the perfect storm is a guy who is confident enough to bluntly ask me to dinner or a movie (whatever), who I would find attractive (also a very subjective thing for me) and who is not chauvinistic in his approach to this very dominating move.  I’m not a docile person, but I also have no desire to rule the world.  It’s kind of hard to find a man who is confident enough in himself to meet this requirement who is also willing to put up with me.  C’est la vie.

At the end of my brief conversation with the admin, she complimented me in a backhanded why by telling me that at least I acknowledge my (numerous) faults and that this is the first step to fixing them.  I wonder- do you think that I need fixing or do you think that I just need an intelligent and brave underwear model to sweep me off of my feet?